One Year After Marshall

Today (Jan 15, 2012) marks the one year anniversary of me quitting my Youth Ministry job in Marshall, MN.  I've thought a lot about what happened over the last year, why it happened, who its changed me, and where I am in life now because of it.  This post is, for the most part, a reflection and attempt at healing, it is also in part, an apology.

As much as I would like to blame my departure from Marshall mostly on other people, the truth is it had as much to do with me as anyone else.  Yes, I was working long hours with what seemed to be very little support from parents.  Yes, there were people I didn't get along with.  But more than that,  I had no friends and I was homesick--four hours away from my now fiance, and 3 from my family.  I was spiritually dead--I didn't feel a part of the parish or able to upkeep my spirituality.  I missed grad school and the challenge of learning.  I was inconfident in my ability as a youth minister and got very little affirmation I was doing a good job.  All these combined lead me to be depressed, which lead me to be apathetic about how I was doing.  Let's get one thing straight though--I did not leave because of the youth.  They were great, and the reason why I stayed as long as I did.  The reasons I left were because of the parents, the job itself, and even more so because of my personal inadequacies.

My program started to slip, parents began to meet and decide whether I should stay or go.  I think secretly I was looking for a way out, so when the priest came and offered a chance to peacefully resign, I jumped at it, and I was gone two days later.  Without saying goodbye to anyone.

This last part is what I regret the most.  It's not that I was a crappy youth minister, that I didn't do everything I could have done in the program, or even that I realized that's not what I'm called to do as a job--but what I regret the most is that I feel I both ran away and abandoned the youth.

And it is this regret that I am still trying to get over--did I do the right thing, or was leaving in the manner I did cowardly?  I don't really know yet, but i'm working through the answers to some of my questions.  Was going to Marshall in the first place the right decision?  I'm pretty sure it was.  Was leaving Marshall the right decision?  I think it probably was.  What I do know however, is that no matter how much I regret the manner in which I left, if I'm to evaluate the decision based off of the current status of my life, leaving Marhsall is quite possibly the best decision of my life.

In just a year I've gotten engaged to (I can honestly say) the most beautiful woman in the world (an event that probably would not have happened if I had stayed in Marshall), I've completed a semester of my Masters of Arts in Theology program at Saint Paul Seminary, and I'm two weeks into a job that I absolutely love.  I must say, while in Marshall I was nearly miserable, lately I am the happiest that I have ever been.

I still have some healing to do, still have some things to work out in my mind and heart... but now that I'm happy, I can do that.

The Divine Blueprint

Your life is like a building, and God’s plan for you its blueprint.  Early in life God lays the foundation through your experiences, personality, and all of life’s little formations.  Each and every day is a brick added.

What will you be: A cottage? A mansion?  A Palace?  Each has their dignity and purpose.  Will you be a refuge for many?  An emblem of Beauty?  Or maybe a house of work.  Each house has its style, is built in its own unique way, and yet there are patterns common among types of houses.  Are you a priestly house, built to love the world?  Or rather are you a marriage house, built to completely love your spouse and children?  Are you a house meant to bless the world with humble, manual labor, doing the work that no one wants to do, but everyone needs?  Or are you a house that is meant to preach, to teach, to write, or heal?  All of these houses have their own ways of being built, their own foundation, and yet, despite all the similarities in these vocations, each is still very much unique.

I suppose what this really all comes down to is discernment.  What are some things you look for?  Above you listen for the voice of God whispering in your ear and in your heart what he wants you to do.  But also we must look at our life experiences and within us to who we are.  What foundation has God laid for us, what patterns of love, prayer, etc. do we have in our lives that might point us towards a specific vocation.  Many times God does not reveal things to us until we are ready to handle them, so the pattern isn’t always clear, or the goal of the pattern, but if we think and pray about who we are and what God has revealed to us thus far, I believe that we can catch a glimpse of our future and the amazingness God has in store for us.

There’s my 2-cent analogy for the day J

Perhaps a New Direction

I am notoriously bad with executing follow through.  Motivation is not my strong point.  But perhaps that shall change, at least for the time being.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of my future.  The reason for this: I'm not happy in my current situation, at least, not as happy as I could be. Yes, I have an amazing girlfriend whom I love very much, and whom I'm in a great relationship with.  Yes, I'm living on my own, independent, and financially secure.  And yes, I'm doing meaningful work.  Unfortunately I don't think its the work I'm supposed to be doing.

I love my youth, and many of my volunteers but I think after this year, it will be time for me to move on.  I don't know if I'm meant to do youth ministry as a full time job.  I will always be involved in it in some way... it's part of who I am... but the politics, the busy work, the staring at a computer, the appeasement of parents... not for me.  I'd be much better adept at being a volunteer.

So when I think about what I want to do for the rest of my life, I think about what I am passionate about.  First of all, I know I am called to raise a family.  I want to marry a beautiful Catholic woman and raise beautiful Catholic babies... whomever that woman may be ;) .  But I also think about what God is calling me to do for a career, and the nearly overwhelming desires I've had lately.  I want to be a writer.  It's in my blood.  The reason I've started blogging again is because of my irresistible urge to release all that I have inside me onto paper (or screen).  I've continued to work more frequently on my novel, although this is still quite the feat for me as a combination of lack of confidence and experience tend to hinder the actual execution of my burning motivation.  I also know that I have a deep and intrinsic thirst to learn.  I want to go to Grad-school... it's beckoning me.  I can't put it off much longer.  Eventually, I want to teach at a University and give the knowledge I've accumulated to future generations.  There's a lot of things I want.  Right now, I don't know specifically where God is calling me, but more and more each day I'm becoming certain its not here.

A Particularly Applicable Song

This song has been running through my head this morning. I wrote it my junior year of High School I think.

"Help Me Figure Out"

c) What is my reason here
How do I know
What are you calling me to do
I am so very lost
Show me the way
Lord please lead me back to you
Lead me to you

V1) Lord, sometimes I think
I can do it all myself
Lord I don't know
What my purpose is in life

V2) We go through this life
Wondering why You put us here
Lord sometimes I cry
Because I don't know what to do

B) Lord I feel my life's a waste
Lord I need to taste
The goodness, of, your love
I need to know my meaning Lord
I need to hear the living Word
So, Help me figure out