Snow is Evil

I woke up this morning with an abject indifference to life in its current state. I feel like I've fallen into the daily grind, the proverbial rut, and my life has seemingly become devoid of meaning. I know this is only perception though... at least I pray it is. It means I will snap out of it soon.

I blame winter. Winter is lifeless.

I think I have mild Seasonal Affect Disorder. I really need winter to be over. It's so cold, and I'm really sensitive to it--my hand goes numb after a couple minutes outside. Every morning my car is covered with snow... it just won't stop snowing. Pound by pound, inch by inch, the sky just keeps dumping this cold, life stealing, crystal on me. Its suffocating me and closing me in. Snow can be beautiful... but I need to see some green, I need to see some life.

I got a new book idea at least... that's something.

Random Facts

I feel like I have so much going through my head and yet nothing to really say or write. So i'm just going to see where this post takes me. Perhaps I'll just start with listing some facts i've noticed about myself.

I'm a jealous person. I don't like it, but I find its really part of who I am.

I hate pity. Sometimes when people say "i'll pray for you", or "I'm so sorry", or some other attempt at consoling me I sometimes get angry. I sometimes wonder why that is.

I haven't gone to confession in months. I really need to go. I've been distant from God lately and I desire so strong to try, but without regular confession I find it very hard to stay strong in my faith.

That being said, I hate going to confession with my boss.

I really love cooking, but seldom have the motivation to do so.

I hate cleaning up after I cook.

I've been working more on my book, but I find it really hard to stay motivated.

I really want to go back to school.

I feel like I'm one massive contradiction--I'm organized yet spacey, a loner yet desire companionship, love to do nothing yet hate being lazy, a night owl but I go to bed early... is this normal?

I really wish I played piano and guitar more.

This has probably been enough of a post, and my mind is somewhat clearer.

On the Origin of Crabbykins

I think I am crabby today... it's not always easy for me to tell whether I am or not. I don't wake up in the morning and consciously say "I'm going to be crabby today". Rather, it's more as though I start noticing how little patience I have with people or situations, which in turn, makes me even more consciously crabby.

What's even more, sometimes I'm just content to allow myself to wallow in my crabbyness.

(Tangent: isn't it interesting that "wallow" is really just "allow" with a "w"--so we can't wallow unless we allow ourselves to. Also, the technical definition of wallow is "to take great joy in", but its almost always used in a negative connotation... interesting)

Anyway, what causes us to be crabby? Sure.. it can be tiredness, stress, emotional duress... but what is the actual cause? Is there something biological going on? What causes humans to have less patience? Maybe the question I'm really asking is what is the origin of patience/

Anyway, no answers today--i'm not much in a thinking mood.

On Beds and Dream Land

I consistently have problems getting out of bed. Last night was the first time in months that I slept completely through the night without waking up at all. It was glorious, and thus I awoke without feeling tired. Nevertheless, I stayed in my bed and slept another hour... waking up frequently, tossing and turning, and not really getting anything out of it anyway. I actually ended up MORE tired than if I had just gotten up when my body told me to.

The thought has crossed my mind that i'm depressed. But I don't think not wanting to get out of bed should be the sole criteria for that--Overall I'm happy with my life and am still staying interested in things I love, etc. Rather, I really think I just like the physical comfort of my bed--the warm blanket rapped around my body, pillow under my head--it's like a warm, pleasing shelter on a cold, dead morning. How could I not blame myself for sleeping in that extra hour every morning and being "late" for work. Thankfully I have a flexible work schedule. Needless to say, I am in NO way a morning person.

I usually remember most of the dreams I have because I typically wake up after each of them. However, since I didn't wake up until I "woke up", I only remember my last dream. It was a dream I was married. Lame, right? It was only one of the most beautiful dreams I have ever had, and just reflecting on it still puts me in a good mood.

The joy of it was that it was a completely simple dream. I obviously loved the woman I was with, and she loved me. The joy was doing all the little romantic things for her--coming home and giving her a kiss, doing the dishes with her, having a nice romantic meal, sneaking up behind her, hugging her from behind, and giving her a kiss, cuddling in the backseat of a pick-up truck and looking at the stars. All things I look forward to with my future wife. What a way to start off the day!

The Candle and the Flame

A man searching for God lived in a world of darkness. When he looked around the world he lived in, all he saw was sadness and the bad choices of humanity. But the man loved God, and truly wanted to find his presence in the world. The man looked all over but even he himself was dark, and though he loved God, he acted badly himself, adding to the darkness. But still the man was determined to find the light of God in the world.
One day while the man was out walking he saw a candle in the window of the home he was passing. Just like every other home on the street, it was dark. The man thought it was just an ordinary candle, nothing special, and though it gave just a bit of light to the world, the man didn’t think it anything special. So the man walked on, continuing his search for God’s presence.
On his walk the next day, the man decided to walk by the candle again. He spent a little more time looking at it, and realized that it was a rather beautiful candle, prettier than most, but to him still just a candle. He walked away for a second time, but the candle held a place in the back of his mind.
The man started to frequent the candle each and every day, and as he began to know the candle better and see it for what it really was, he began to fall in love with the candle. The candle was the most beautiful candle he had ever seen. Once he really began to look at it, he realized that it gave off more light than any candle he had ever seen. It seemed to brighten everything around it. He also noticed that the candle gave off more heat than he had ever felt come from a candle, it warmed his heart and everything around it, and made him happy once again. It made him see God’s presence in the darkness, and because of this, the man became more like God. Even more, the candle lit up and warmed the heart of the man, who took the spirit of the candle with him wherever he went. This helped him brighten the day of others he saw, because they started seeing God’s presence in the man.
Every day the man grew more and more in love with the candle, and every day he longed to take it home with him so he could be in its presence. However, the man soon realized that the candle was not meant to be his. Although the candle showed him the light of God more than any other candle he had seen, the candle was made to be somebody else’s. This greatly saddened the man, for all he wanted in life was to love the candle who so helped him love God.
Every day it got harder and harder for the man to come and look at the candle. The candle seemed to grow more beautiful and shined brighter every day, and the man only felt pain when he looked at it. Because of this, the man’s world soon turned to darkness yet again. He blamed God for putting in the world a candle that he so loved, and then not allowing him to be with it. Finally, one night, the man yelled at God and cried out with all the pain and tears that he kept inside.
God spoke to him. God told him that His presence in the world was not shown in just one candle, but in everybody who loved. He said that the man who loved the candle was now a sign of God for everyone in the world, because he finally realized what it was like to love like God. “I love you unconditionally”, he told the man, “and yet you don’t always love me back”. God told him that this made him sad, but he continues to love us all the same, even though the love may cause him pain. After listening to God, the man realized his pain was worth it because he could offer it up to God to make the candle burn even brighter for the next person to see.
The man realized that God let him love the candle so that he could learn to love everybody, even with the darkness. He realized that it was ok to love the candle even if the candle couldn’t love him back, because it was his very love for the candle that helped the candle burn so bright, and it was that same love that would make him burn bright as well.
The man then looked at his own heart, and saw a flame burning inside it. He realized then that beauty came from God burning deep within you. The reason the candle had been so beautiful was not only that it was a stunningly gorgeous candle, but because the candle had shown him God’s love like no one else in the world had.
Realizing this, the man set out into the darkness to help other people find God’s presence in the world. He would be God’s flame of love for anyone who needed it.

Being a Phlegmatic-Melancholic (PhMl)

This post begins my in-depth analysis of my personality using both the frequent personality test I have taken, and my own experience and introspection. The first paradigm I will use is the "Keirsey-Temperament Test". This is an ancient way of looking at personality based of the "Four Greek Temperaments" as is a function that primarily measures Behavior. The results I will be analyzing for my personality type are from this website (http://www.navigatinglife.org/twoquestionpersonalitytest/id113.html) which I have found to be the most concise, while still present quality and substantial information.

"Phlegmatic melancholics live for predictable results."

Heck yeah! PhMl's are a behavioral psychologists dream. We thrive on consistency and if something works once to our benefit, we will do it again and again to achieve the same results. I find this at work in my daily life by my daily routine--I get up, get ready, go to work, come home, eat supper, relax, read, go to bed. If that is altered in someway, I exhibit a certain level of anxiety--no matter how excited I am for the change.

"They focus on key processes, proven relationships, and reliable procedures" "They have a methodical, thorough, and dependable approach to what they do"

The key process statement is the crux of this section--PhMl's have a distinct canny at seeing the essential and most necessary part of any process. Because we are predominantly practical, we have the ability to strip away all the unnecessary crap and find the most practical and obvious solution to a problem. Our means of execution are mostly methodical (and sometimes slow), consisting of step-by-step processes that we are positive will work do to past experience, extensive research, or credible authority.

They don't mind change, but they like to be sure that the change is attainable and that the change will result in a desired improvement before they commit to anything.

Though sometimes resistant to it, we do not mind change--for we are practical and realize that change is often necessary. However, we do not like committing to something we are not sure will work (that's our melancholic need for perfection), and if we don't believe the change is necessary, likely to succeed, or not worth the work, we will not advocate for it.

Other Important things to note:
"They prefer being in charge of process controls".

This is one aspect that highlights the complexity and contradiction of the PhMl. We don't usually like to be in leadership positions (more on that later), but we do like to be in control. We typically think that, because we see the essence and necessity of most things, we know best how to go about it. We also sometimes have the mentality of "if you want something done right, do it yourself".

They pay attention to every detail.
This is pretty self-explanatory. We may not let you know we know... or may not realize ourselves, but we typically (if we are not cognitively strained at the moment) see everything, and store it for later in our mind.

* They dislike opposition, hostility, and adversity. This is probably one of the two main reasons we dislike leadership--we are inherent peacemakers and will typically fight tooth and nail to avoid conflicts. We often don't say everything that we think or want(especially to strangers and acquaintances) in fear that we might offend, anger, or inconvenience the other person. This can also prove a challenge in marriage and parenting, as we don't always tell our spouse what we want/need, and sometimes are the parent that is a little more lax on discipline in order to "spare their child's feelings".

They crave stability and clarity.
We've already covered the stability part. The clarity is important too. When given a task, the PhMl needs to have exact, detailed, and complete instructions in order to do the task. Because we fear failure and need to please those we serve, any ambivalence about what we are to do can cripple us from doing a job.

They are always tactful and measured.
A PhMl is nothing if not polite and tactful. This comes from our desire to please. However, because of our practicality and "essentiality" we also have a knack for being blunt when we need to. It's a fine line to tread. We seldom speak unless we have something to say, and we typically plan our actions and words before they are executed.

* They become reserved and indifferent when under pressure, both because they want to avoid hostility and because they want to avoid mistakes.
The second most important PhMl principle (only to that of consistency and predictability) is that we absolutely fear and abhor failure and mistakes. This is also the second reason we dislike leadership. If we fear that we cannot do something perfectly, we will procrastinate or not do. NEVER nag a phlegmatic, they will only sink deeper into indifference, and you will never get what you want.

For more information on personality profiles, check out my hub

On Thirst and Knowledge

For as long as I can remember I have longed to acquire knowledge. In my hirearchy of motivations it is second only to deep relationships. The Enneagram speaks to this fact--I consistently test as a "4" with a very strong "5" wing.

What is it that gives me my thirst and desire to know all things?

I have always held value in my intelligence. Perhaps my longing to acquire knowledge is to aid my ego and confidence in myself through that facet.

The pursuit of wisdom is the pursuit of God. Perhaps I realize that by journeying to know all things, I am thus journeying to know the ways of God.

Maybe i'm just interested in a lot of things and long to understand them.

Some questions are not answerable... perhaps this is one of them. Is it important to know why I want to know? Probably, so as to guard against vain or sinful pursuits. Most likely its a combination of all three explanations, and perhaps more I have not thought of. For now though, my mind has run out of ideas concerning this topic.